“I can’t allow you to turn that hate around on yourself instead. That’s what you’ve been doing, and that’s fucked up to have to sit here and watch,” says the ship’s biggest hypocrite.
She knows, but calling Security on it right now is terribly unkind, and that would also require processing that information deeper than what's needed right now to not have a human version of a shutdown. She has to be upset at something, and it can't be her teacher, for reasons she explained. And if it can't be herself, what can she be upset at?
The grip on her hair just gets tighter, until she breathes out again in a very shaky and deliberate exhale.
"...what do I do, then?"
This emotion, and not a single place to put it other than at herself, in the same drawer it's lived in. This thing that feels like sickness and anger, but isn't, when she'd been ignoring it and ignoring it and then wondering if she cracked open that drawer, could she face her fears of being called a liar for it. Oh, she hates it, hates that she said it in the first place.
“Practical advice, emotional reassurance, or physical contact? What will help you the most right now?” It can do multiple at once, but it wants to be sure it’s delivering what she needs most.
Because damned if it doesn’t just want to swoop in and scoop her up and try to squeeze the hate out of her. But like. That’s not going to work, is it?
It is offering, but she always wants to check. Touch is a choice, not an expectation. And advice is needed, because her emotions are going to want to gnaw at her. They don't need reassuring, they need to be quiet.
"Let me move my painting supplies. I'll let you know when to come over here." You know, pushing the water cup further back on the nightstand and moving the paper to where it can dry. "As for practical, I think you should talk to someone who is an expert on lies. You are holding yourself to a higher standard, and that's hurting you as much as the fact that you can't just get rid of the hate."
But she's not rejecting the advice, far from it. Who would be an expert, and more than that, who could she trust with something this close to her? Hard enough to say it to Security, who's lived with her.
"I recommend Peter Smith, who worked in the field of espionage for years--and who is one of the most open and honest people on the ship now. If anyone can tell you if the lies you told are worthy of complete condemnation, he will."
And if she tells him that Security sent her, he'll probably read properly into the situation.
"Alright, you can come over to the bed and be held now."
Later, when her brain isn't wanting to turn itself inside out, she'll know she has two other people to talk to about this. Mr. Smith, who she'll need to brace herself for courage to speak with, and Erin, who she already knows may remember part of it. But Mr. Smith is more likely not to argue in her favor if that's really so, not to give her false hope in herself, lacking the bias that close friends contain.
Finally she lets go of her hair and shuffles up from the couch, setting herself on the bed a little heavily.
"Sorry if it seems that this came out of nowhere at all."
It's hard to not fully apologize for bringing something unpleasant up, but she's biting the apology in half as it is. Under it is the real meaning - thank you for letting me talk.
"It's been in the back of your mind for a long time, even before now." Security's arms wrap around her, tugging her lightly against it. "I'm glad you've been able to let it out."
She accepts the hold, moving so that she's settled near it in the way that means she's not inclined to move for a while.
"Thank you for allowing me to let it out." And before it can say something about allowance not being needed - "I feel like I could tell you anything, and that's not something I've often felt in my life."
At least, to say it and to trust it won't be wielded as a weapon in the worst moments. There was so often a risk. Maybe there still is. But even so, she still tries to trust.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2023-03-14 09:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-03-14 09:57 am (UTC)The grip on her hair just gets tighter, until she breathes out again in a very shaky and deliberate exhale.
"...what do I do, then?"
This emotion, and not a single place to put it other than at herself, in the same drawer it's lived in. This thing that feels like sickness and anger, but isn't, when she'd been ignoring it and ignoring it and then wondering if she cracked open that drawer, could she face her fears of being called a liar for it. Oh, she hates it, hates that she said it in the first place.
no subject
Date: 2023-03-14 10:16 am (UTC)Because damned if it doesn’t just want to swoop in and scoop her up and try to squeeze the hate out of her. But like. That’s not going to work, is it?
no subject
Date: 2023-03-14 10:26 am (UTC)It is offering, but she always wants to check. Touch is a choice, not an expectation. And advice is needed, because her emotions are going to want to gnaw at her. They don't need reassuring, they need to be quiet.
no subject
Date: 2023-03-14 04:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-03-14 07:41 pm (UTC)But she's not rejecting the advice, far from it. Who would be an expert, and more than that, who could she trust with something this close to her? Hard enough to say it to Security, who's lived with her.
no subject
Date: 2023-03-14 07:45 pm (UTC)And if she tells him that Security sent her, he'll probably read properly into the situation.
"Alright, you can come over to the bed and be held now."
no subject
Date: 2023-03-14 08:35 pm (UTC)Finally she lets go of her hair and shuffles up from the couch, setting herself on the bed a little heavily.
"Sorry if it seems that this came out of nowhere at all."
It's hard to not fully apologize for bringing something unpleasant up, but she's biting the apology in half as it is. Under it is the real meaning - thank you for letting me talk.
no subject
Date: 2023-03-17 05:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-03-17 06:35 am (UTC)"Thank you for allowing me to let it out." And before it can say something about allowance not being needed - "I feel like I could tell you anything, and that's not something I've often felt in my life."
At least, to say it and to trust it won't be wielded as a weapon in the worst moments. There was so often a risk. Maybe there still is. But even so, she still tries to trust.