"The humans shared sleeping quarters--the bunks folded down from the walls. Arada and Overse stayed together. Bharadwaj and Volescu. Gurathin and Ratthi. Pin-Lee and Mensah. I had a cubicle. Tight quarters, but I was mostly there for repair and recharge, and when I wasn't in use. They didn't need me every minute of every day, of course, and it would have been...uncomfortable for me to just spend time in their space. The kitchen, their entertainment room, their hydroponics lab. No space for a SecUnit in their daily life."
This is a little bit of a lie, it was eventually invited to those spaces.
"I used to use the SecSystem and watch them, though. Listen to their conversations. Not the most emotional ones, of course. Never Arada and Overse's private moments. But how the survey was going, what discoveries they made. I was...in my own way, I was proud of them. This was a good team, better than any other I'd been leased out by."
She listens with a fixed attention, making its shape in her mind. It makes perfect sense. Security was part of the team, so the team doing well was a source of contentment and pride. And if they stayed safe, it could take pride in its own job as well. Though she thinks if she says that out loud it might need moments to process the concept.
"You'd be the right one to make that judgement, after all the missions you've gone on. I imagine it's easy to pick out which ones are going to be headaches and which ones will be successful." And what people are going to be difficult as well.
"You had all your observations, but did you mind it? The...cubicle."
She's honestly just thinking about something like a box. It's still a little strange, mixing the impressions she has of Security here, where there's very little divide regardless of what people are, and remembering that where it came from, that mattered greatly. That what would matter to a human - being kept in those tight spaces - might not matter the same to a SecUnit, even a recently free one. But she's trying, because that's not her world.
"It felt safe, back then. Being isolated from the rest of the crew and watching them. I didn't socialize, back then. I was afraid they'd realize I'd hacked my governor module, that I wasn't just an obedient machine. But. I never minded small spaces. There were times when I'd be shipped with cargo, and that was the most relaxing of all, because I didn't have to act like anything. I could just relax and watch my serials."
It pauses, thoughtful. "I don't dislike my current roommate, but. Living with him, I do need to be aware and active, even in my own space, when he's around. He is in need of care, and I like caring about him. But it sometimes feels like work. Does...that make sense?"
She takes a moment to consider, and then nods her head. It's a simple idea, and not a difficult one to take in.
"Yes. Because sometimes in your own space, you want to be able to simply be, not just to be asleep but to exist without needing to think about anything else."
(Secretly, she tucks this information away. She won't tell all of it, of course not, but there's something in there that she can bring out, hopefully surprise Security with at a point. Something that it will be glad for, if she conveys the sentiment right.)
And she hopes it goes unspoken that if it needs that, if it needs space to exist and be on its own, and she's distracting from that, that it will tell her. It wouldn't be an offense, to need breathing room.
"Yes. I didn't need stuff, I didn't even need a bed. I just needed...a space to be. It's funny, when I first got here--before I had to sleep, I was almost offended by the idea that I'd ever need or want a bed."
It lets out a bit of a weak laugh. "I eat, I sleep, I purr. The me I was before here would be freaked out by this me."
"The self you were before wouldn't have the same memories, the same experiences. It might be taken aback no matter what physical changes you've gone through."
But there's room for it to clarify or disagree with her about that.
"Probably. And it certainly wouldn't have known what to do with this." A demonstrative little squeeze of her hand, a small smile audible in its tone of voice.
"As strange as it sounds, I think I needed the time I've spent here, to be ready for this."
Strange how a single word - this - makes Helena want to stutter, and the words that could be in response fall to pieces. She's supposed to be a writer, she should have words, good ones, decent ones. And as much as she wants to conceal, it's a hard thing to do versus a construct's analysis. Thinking too much and unable to think at all at the same time. Flustered and doing her utmost to hide it at the same time, to remain closer to pleasantly neutral and finding it a nigh impossible task.
If it hadn't held her hand, she could have pretended Security meant something else. But she can't. Words about being ready, and it just underlines to her how not ready she feels, wondering if Security knows she's awkwardly stumbling and praying every time that she doesn't take a false step.
"...I don't think that's strange."
If she finds out Ava's in the room again she's going to simply go scream underwater.
It doesn't respond aloud, letting her words sit in the air. Which could be awkward, perhaps. But like...it doesn't feel awkward, not right now. It holds her hand gently, like it's trying to memorize the feeling of it.
She's glad, so glad that Security lets the silence exist between them, because it lets her gather the scraps of her dignity long enough to stitch together a sentence, syllables strung back together as long as she keeps breathing. Enough to make a coherent sentence, to convey what she needs to.
"Readiness for anything like this is an illusion. At least as far as I can guess."
Her voice is very, very quiet, and she knows her face is burning, having utterly lost the attempt at concealing it. Thankfully, there's an equal chance Security isn't looking.
"More often you would kind of...make it up as you go."
It's not the only one who's just trying and hoping for the best. Wondering why me, when there's many better, who might have a passing clue what they're doing. She just feels a great many things, and putting them into something to be spoken is a task that will take more time.
"Improvise. Together, though. Not making it up all alone. It takes a lot of trust."
A pause. It lifts her hand to its face, not to kiss her knuckles, but to rub against it with its cheek, not entirely unlike a cat. Just once, lightly, to see how she reacts.
If she could go more red, she would. For a second, she's just left speechless, as she realizes what's happened, vaguely registering her heart fluttering over it. Unfortunately, humans don't get the luxury of being able to turn off when emotionally overcome and trying to process a gesture.
“I’m sorry. I won’t do it again.” Because clearly from her response it was a wrong thing to do. Bad SecUnit, no love for you. But that really isn’t an answer to her question now, is it? It is more concerned about upsetting her. About crossing a line.
If there's one surefire way to get Helena out of her own head, no matter how critical the emotional confusion, it's concern for someone else. Even if she's still got to calm down, the overriding thought is that she needs to convey there isn't an issue, apart from her own mind.
"I'm not upset, Security. I'm just surprised. You don't have to apologize for doing something I don't expect."
It wasn't a bad thing. That floods out all her own mixed up thoughts - the desire to clarify and explain and assure.
It hesitates, not reaching out immediately again. Quiet as it pauses to gather it’s own thoughts.
“I’m. Trying to learn how I want to touch people. How I want others to touch me. I’m sure you’ve noticed, I’m not used to just. Being able to. It’s still a lot sometimes. I worry about doing it wrong. I worry about doing a lot of things wrong.”
She nods, taking that in, and more time to breathe soothes her mind. Her hand is still there, she's not retracting it, but she stays where she is while she finds all her words again.
"...if you're doing something that I don't like, I'll tell you. And vice versa - if I do something you don't like or want, tell me, so I can avoid it. Would that make it a bit easier?"
She already makes sure around it that she never says anything that implies that personhood equals humanity, and lets it decide how close it wants to sit.
"I want you to feel like you can worry less around me."
Hearing that, her expression shifts to a smile - a tiny one, but a real one, not made from politeness or to make someone else at ease. Just a little thing as her chest aches in a certain way.
"Then please, trust that I'll tell you if I'm not comfortable?" It doesn't have to mine her reactions for the truth. It can just have it outright.
"And I'll trust that you'll do the same, if you're uncomfortable."
This goes two ways, Security. The very last thing she wants is it to feel like it needs to bottle up discomfort, if they're trying to figure this out together.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2023-02-06 05:54 am (UTC)Even if it is a pocket in the end. She'll squeeze back, and smile.
"Delivering that is why I wanted to see you in person. It's easier to explain it than to leave a note."
no subject
Date: 2023-02-06 09:38 pm (UTC)Is that too much? Is it awkward? It might be. Shit.
"I mean, uh..."
no subject
Date: 2023-02-06 09:58 pm (UTC)"I feel the same way."
And then, before this can get too weird, because something in the back of her head is hissing that she might make things weird:
"...Tell me a little about the humans' habitat? Did you all have somewhere comfortable to be while you had to stay on this planet?"
no subject
Date: 2023-02-06 10:55 pm (UTC)This is a little bit of a lie, it was eventually invited to those spaces.
"I used to use the SecSystem and watch them, though. Listen to their conversations. Not the most emotional ones, of course. Never Arada and Overse's private moments. But how the survey was going, what discoveries they made. I was...in my own way, I was proud of them. This was a good team, better than any other I'd been leased out by."
no subject
Date: 2023-02-07 12:09 am (UTC)"You'd be the right one to make that judgement, after all the missions you've gone on. I imagine it's easy to pick out which ones are going to be headaches and which ones will be successful." And what people are going to be difficult as well.
"You had all your observations, but did you mind it? The...cubicle."
She's honestly just thinking about something like a box. It's still a little strange, mixing the impressions she has of Security here, where there's very little divide regardless of what people are, and remembering that where it came from, that mattered greatly. That what would matter to a human - being kept in those tight spaces - might not matter the same to a SecUnit, even a recently free one. But she's trying, because that's not her world.
no subject
Date: 2023-02-07 06:20 am (UTC)It pauses, thoughtful. "I don't dislike my current roommate, but. Living with him, I do need to be aware and active, even in my own space, when he's around. He is in need of care, and I like caring about him. But it sometimes feels like work. Does...that make sense?"
no subject
Date: 2023-02-07 06:47 am (UTC)"Yes. Because sometimes in your own space, you want to be able to simply be, not just to be asleep but to exist without needing to think about anything else."
(Secretly, she tucks this information away. She won't tell all of it, of course not, but there's something in there that she can bring out, hopefully surprise Security with at a point. Something that it will be glad for, if she conveys the sentiment right.)
And she hopes it goes unspoken that if it needs that, if it needs space to exist and be on its own, and she's distracting from that, that it will tell her. It wouldn't be an offense, to need breathing room.
no subject
Date: 2023-02-07 08:34 am (UTC)It lets out a bit of a weak laugh. "I eat, I sleep, I purr. The me I was before here would be freaked out by this me."
no subject
Date: 2023-02-07 09:15 am (UTC)But there's room for it to clarify or disagree with her about that.
no subject
Date: 2023-02-07 09:41 am (UTC)"As strange as it sounds, I think I needed the time I've spent here, to be ready for this."
no subject
Date: 2023-02-07 10:16 am (UTC)If it hadn't held her hand, she could have pretended Security meant something else. But she can't. Words about being ready, and it just underlines to her how not ready she feels, wondering if Security knows she's awkwardly stumbling and praying every time that she doesn't take a false step.
"...I don't think that's strange."
If she finds out Ava's in the room again she's going to simply go scream underwater.
no subject
Date: 2023-02-07 10:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-02-07 11:03 am (UTC)"Readiness for anything like this is an illusion. At least as far as I can guess."
Her voice is very, very quiet, and she knows her face is burning, having utterly lost the attempt at concealing it. Thankfully, there's an equal chance Security isn't looking.
"More often you would kind of...make it up as you go."
It's not the only one who's just trying and hoping for the best. Wondering why me, when there's many better, who might have a passing clue what they're doing. She just feels a great many things, and putting them into something to be spoken is a task that will take more time.
no subject
Date: 2023-02-07 11:26 am (UTC)A pause. It lifts her hand to its face, not to kiss her knuckles, but to rub against it with its cheek, not entirely unlike a cat. Just once, lightly, to see how she reacts.
immortalizing the roll: 1
Date: 2023-02-07 12:19 pm (UTC)"...Why did you do that?"
no subject
Date: 2023-02-07 12:24 pm (UTC)“I’m sorry. I won’t do it again.” Because clearly from her response it was a wrong thing to do. Bad SecUnit, no love for you. But that really isn’t an answer to her question now, is it? It is more concerned about upsetting her. About crossing a line.
no subject
Date: 2023-02-07 12:38 pm (UTC)If there's one surefire way to get Helena out of her own head, no matter how critical the emotional confusion, it's concern for someone else. Even if she's still got to calm down, the overriding thought is that she needs to convey there isn't an issue, apart from her own mind.
"I'm not upset, Security. I'm just surprised. You don't have to apologize for doing something I don't expect."
It wasn't a bad thing. That floods out all her own mixed up thoughts - the desire to clarify and explain and assure.
no subject
Date: 2023-02-07 12:46 pm (UTC)“I’m. Trying to learn how I want to touch people. How I want others to touch me. I’m sure you’ve noticed, I’m not used to just. Being able to. It’s still a lot sometimes. I worry about doing it wrong. I worry about doing a lot of things wrong.”
no subject
Date: 2023-02-07 08:35 pm (UTC)"...if you're doing something that I don't like, I'll tell you. And vice versa - if I do something you don't like or want, tell me, so I can avoid it. Would that make it a bit easier?"
She already makes sure around it that she never says anything that implies that personhood equals humanity, and lets it decide how close it wants to sit.
"I want you to feel like you can worry less around me."
no subject
Date: 2023-02-07 09:38 pm (UTC)And these are all aspects of love, too.
no subject
Date: 2023-02-07 10:48 pm (UTC)"Then please, trust that I'll tell you if I'm not comfortable?" It doesn't have to mine her reactions for the truth. It can just have it outright.
no subject
Date: 2023-02-07 10:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-02-07 11:23 pm (UTC)Very, very gently, she squeezes its hand.
"And I'll trust that you'll do the same, if you're uncomfortable."
This goes two ways, Security. The very last thing she wants is it to feel like it needs to bottle up discomfort, if they're trying to figure this out together.
no subject
Date: 2023-02-08 04:04 am (UTC)And it just. Just holds for now. Lets this be enough for its fluttering circulatory pump.