First thing Johnny informs me there are hands available for shifts. Standing obligation viable. My cabin available if you want to avoid Jinx during the crisis duration.
Second thing you do not get to set my priorities any more than I get to choose your name. Call it madness if you want. I am openly mad. Would not be a new accusation. You are my friend. You are a fellow passenger. Nothing has changed what I told you on patrol. I am for you. I cannot be otherwise.
Confirmed. Swear to God when I learn commas in voice to text I will ascend. Probably can't do much serials but we can pencil in a catch up marathon sometime after equilibrium is reached. Need to go. Johnny is making correct statements about my health so now I have to fix it.
A second text swiftly follows.
You would be mourned if you were killed. Not only by me. You do not have to be a person to be loved. To be missed. You cannot make others indifferent any more than you can make them care. I repeat my first message from the initial report on hostile Giles. Stay safe SecUnit.
There's a delay of nearly an hour before a reply manifests, during which Erin is theoretically showering. Said shower is approximately ten minutes of cleaning and the remainder is spent crying but such is the way of the Wet World, ally to all living things.
I hit the first person to tell me that I was worthy of love. Directly in the face. Could have had me killed with a word and all she did was pour apple brandy and tell me she was used to it. I do not know exactly why it hurts. The Bishops who helped me before I came here said it happens a lot. That we lash out in defense of a worldview that helped us survive without love. I am tired of surviving without love. I am so very tired all the time. Somewhere on the other side of this death march is a me that can rest. The march is long and it hurts but it is worth it and one day I will look back and take pride in every step that seems so humiliating to me now. But that is the shit part. You have to make the march or you will never arrive. I cannot force you. I will not push you. But I will not treat you like you are disposable either. I have marched too far for that.
I'm scared to tell you how tired I am. Not in the 'I need a recharge' sense. In another way entirely that I don't have the words to talk about. I've tried once or twice.
Tired of waking to a new day that feels pointless. Tired even around people because it feels like they will never accept you as what you are. Of your efforts feeling like all they do is keep things the same. Tired of the voice in your head that says people have to be insane or deceived to care about you. Exhausted from watching others live in a world of beauty that seems to have no place for you. I know that tired. It is the feeling that reminds you that death is the last friend you will make, there for you when you need her the most.
Even if I could order you not to cease I would not. A long time ago I stole a book to read aloud to Anne. Stardust. It said something I think about still. To own something you must be able to relinquish it. If you cannot it belongs to whoever has forced it upon you. When I was a slave I could not die and my life was not mine. Now I am free to cease. I will not take your life from you.
Do not know about that. Not to enable your self destruction while expressing my argument against it but if you just keep dying every morning eventually it will stick. Proposed it to another passenger when I offered them my life before everything started happening. It is an objective to which I have given serious consideration precisely to own myself.
Then I suppose I will run my mouth. I do not seek to die but I believe I will soon be in a position where I will be unwilling to live at the required cost. When this crisis passes I will tell you everything. In the meantime please stay safe.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2022-10-16 07:07 am (UTC)Second thing you do not get to set my priorities any more than I get to choose your name. Call it madness if you want. I am openly mad. Would not be a new accusation. You are my friend. You are a fellow passenger. Nothing has changed what I told you on patrol. I am for you. I cannot be otherwise.
no subject
Date: 2022-10-16 07:12 am (UTC)Your cabin.
no subject
Date: 2022-10-16 07:22 am (UTC)A second text swiftly follows.
You would be mourned if you were killed. Not only by me. You do not have to be a person to be loved. To be missed. You cannot make others indifferent any more than you can make them care. I repeat my first message from the initial report on hostile Giles. Stay safe SecUnit.
no subject
Date: 2022-10-16 07:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-10-16 07:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-10-16 07:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-10-16 07:53 am (UTC)I hit the first person to tell me that I was worthy of love. Directly in the face. Could have had me killed with a word and all she did was pour apple brandy and tell me she was used to it. I do not know exactly why it hurts. The Bishops who helped me before I came here said it happens a lot. That we lash out in defense of a worldview that helped us survive without love. I am tired of surviving without love. I am so very tired all the time. Somewhere on the other side of this death march is a me that can rest. The march is long and it hurts but it is worth it and one day I will look back and take pride in every step that seems so humiliating to me now. But that is the shit part. You have to make the march or you will never arrive. I cannot force you. I will not push you. But I will not treat you like you are disposable either. I have marched too far for that.
no subject
Date: 2022-10-16 11:43 pm (UTC)I'm scared to tell you how tired I am. Not in the 'I need a recharge' sense. In another way entirely that I don't have the words to talk about. I've tried once or twice.
I'm scared to try again.
no subject
Date: 2022-10-16 11:50 pm (UTC)Tired of waking to a new day that feels pointless. Tired even around people because it feels like they will never accept you as what you are. Of your efforts feeling like all they do is keep things the same. Tired of the voice in your head that says people have to be insane or deceived to care about you. Exhausted from watching others live in a world of beauty that seems to have no place for you. I know that tired. It is the feeling that reminds you that death is the last friend you will make, there for you when you need her the most.
That tired?
no subject
Date: 2022-10-16 11:52 pm (UTC)They didn't know how to.
That tired.
no subject
Date: 2022-10-16 11:56 pm (UTC)I will spare you the lecture. If I know you at all you already gave it to yourself.
It can be hard to accept that others love you when you do not love yourself. But we cannot all be insane or stupid. What we see in you is there.
no subject
Date: 2022-10-16 11:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-10-17 12:29 am (UTC)Even if I could order you not to cease I would not. A long time ago I stole a book to read aloud to Anne. Stardust. It said something I think about still. To own something you must be able to relinquish it. If you cannot it belongs to whoever has forced it upon you. When I was a slave I could not die and my life was not mine. Now I am free to cease. I will not take your life from you.
But.
I do prefer you here.
no subject
Date: 2022-10-17 12:33 am (UTC)But if someone else had possessed it, that held the possibility of permanency. Didn't it?
no subject
Date: 2022-10-17 12:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-10-17 12:51 am (UTC)Do you even get to have this conversation with me, after that?
no subject
Date: 2022-10-17 12:58 am (UTC)She knows it's at least a little mean to send.
But, well.
Sometimes that's the medicine on order.
no subject
Date: 2022-10-17 01:08 am (UTC)No. I don't have a preference to express.
no subject
Date: 2022-10-17 01:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-10-17 01:20 am (UTC)Wait, you can't just say that and go.
Someone might have lied about not having a preference, like a liar.
no subject
Date: 2022-10-17 01:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-10-17 01:46 am (UTC)Okay. Sorry.
no subject
Date: 2022-10-17 01:53 am (UTC)The opposite of a door out of a difficult topic: an invitation back in.
no subject
Date: 2022-10-17 01:57 am (UTC)I feel safer with you here.
Not just when I'm recharging. But all the time.
no subject
Date: 2022-10-17 02:00 am (UTC)We will talk when there is time.
It will not be easy for me. But you make it easier to be what I am.