SAIL IC Inbox

[serialskiller]

Messages will be answered when I'm done with this episode of my serial.

Comments

[not_the_last]

The feel of it at her back is steadying, calming, as always. Not having to look it in the face, or deliberately avoid doing so, helps as well.

So it's with less circumlocution than she might otherwise have needed, when she says "Tell me, please -- have you ever spoken directly with the Captain?"

[serialskiller]

"Yes. On multiple occasions."

Oh, this may be an awkward one...

[not_the_last]

"Can you --"

Her heart skips faster, beating wildly against the bars of her ribcage.

"Can you tell me what it's like? Talking to him?"

[serialskiller]

"He's petty and mean and sharp, but in a way that feels like he's acting in defense. He doesn't know what to make of kindness, he uses barbs to try to push people away. But he likes stories--he internalizes them. The first time I talked to him, one-on-one, I brought my media player up to the bridge and started watching a serial, and he came out to join me. We both prefer fast-forward through the scenes where people are doing pairing things. Though I don't know if he would still, if we watched again."

And Murderbot understands something about media, about stories as a form of escape. Something something, a little under 35,000 hours of movies, serials, books, plays and music combined. If it had the power to create its own worlds, mightn't it lean into the tropes that are familiar?

[not_the_last]

She's quiet for a long moment, absorbing that. Still slowly walking down the deck, hands clasped.

"He tries to push people away," she says at length, "but ... by trying to make them want to leave. Not by forcing them to."

[serialskiller]

"Yes. I think he counts it as a victory, when people get fed up and walk away from him. Like they've proven him right, when they do. He anticipates being given up on, or written off."

Is it projecting? Perhaps. But it isn't wrong.

[not_the_last]

Cassandra swallows.

"If I might ask," she says, "and if you'd prefer not to answer, I'll understand ... what made you decide to try talking with him?"

[serialskiller]

"Skulduggery encouraged me, after I found one of the books that an excursion was based on. I wanted to share with him a story that mattered to me, like the ones he works from clearly matter to him." It hesitates, then looks off to one side rather than at the back of her head. "You're nervous, when you discuss him. You're trying to slot him into your understanding. But what you hear is upsetting to you."

[not_the_last]

A deep, steadying breath. "Yes," she says. "I'm nervous."

It feels like a lie, and she doesn't want to lie to SecUnit.

"I'm scared."

[serialskiller]

"Ah. That seems like a sane response to the circumstances. I'm uncertain how reassuring I can be. But if you want to talk about what it is that scares you, I am here."

It's not judging her for her fear. Hell, the fact that it's not experiencing the same fear is probably a sign of the ways in which it is broken.

[not_the_last]

She turns toward the railing, looks out toward the dark sea under the strange stars. Folds her hands over the top rail.

Low: "It's very good to hear you say that. I ... I'm afraid this is going to seem a lot less sane, but ... I don't think I want to be reassured."

[serialskiller]

"I don't think it's less sane, but I'm not sure if I'm reaching the correct understanding as to why you don't want that. Is it about wanting to maintain a level of vigilance where he's concerned, perhaps?"

Not quite a guess, given what it already knows about her.

"You don't want to give him buy-in like some of the others have, because the situation reminds you of your past. To you, being reassured feels like being asked to comply."

[not_the_last]

"Yes."

Her hands clench on the railing, shaking with the force of that agreement.

[serialskiller]

It moves from its usual spot to stand beside her, resting its hands on the rail as well, looking out into the blackness of the dark sky reflected by the sea

"I like knowing that I have someone close who is deliberately keeping that perspective. I know that when I think and talk about the Captain, I have a risk of projecting, because I see him as similar to myself in certain ways."

The hand nearer to her slides closer, but stops several inches before making contact.

[not_the_last]

She drags in a breath of cool salt-smelling air, lets it all out in relief.

"That's it," she says. "That's what I'm afraid of. Losing that perspective. Forgetting what -- what the whole shape of the situation is, or forgetting that it matters."

Pause. "Or just ... deciding that it doesn't matter, so long as I'm safe."

[serialskiller]

"That sort of decision is something people do when all they feel they can do is survive." It manages something that's almost a smile. "You've survived before. This time, you're taking agency. It's admirable, Cassandra."

Even if it worries, it wonders if she's okay with it not being in the same space, mentally, as she is. But the thing is, it's made some of its own decisions on things and as long as she'll still trust it to have her back, that's what matters most to it. The security (emotional and physical) of its crew, which she is a member of, even if she might not realize.

[not_the_last]

"I've survived before," she repeats, dully. "Yes. And I want to take agency this time, but ... that's what I set out to do then, too. All my plans, all my little secrets, and I don't know if any of them ever mattered. I ended up doing what they wanted of me. Always for my own reasons, until it wasn't anymore."

[serialskiller]

It slides its hand across the railing until its pinky finger nudges against hers. No grabbing, no demanding, no force, just...the offer of presence.

"Yeah. Can I ask--what do you think of Skulduggery, at this point?"

[not_the_last]

When its finger brushes hers, her hand loosens on the railing and nudges in its direction, as though trying to creep underneath its hand without either of them noticing.

A long sigh, at its question. "I think he's sincere," she says quietly. "I think he does want to save everyone on this ship, and believes he's found the best way to do it. And I think he loves a being who's caused immense suffering, and hasn't stopped causing it, and doesn't intend to."

[serialskiller]

Its hand moves to cover hers.

"I think one of the things the Captain does is try to work so he can point at us and say we cause our own suffering, or one another's. I also think Skulduggery and the Captain aren't lying when they say this voyage is different from the others. But none of that is a true end to the suffering, no."

[not_the_last]

"No," she agrees quietly. "Better treatment in captivity is ... still better. But still captivity. And I --"

She has to swallow, to clear the sudden painful lump in her throat, and speaks carefully. "I worry. About what we might do to keep that better treatment. If given a choice."

[serialskiller]

“I think that’s a very sane worry to have. And I think I’m glad to have you thinking about that sort of thing.” It tilts its head slightly to one side. “I trust you to be the one to raise a flag if people stop thinking about consequences. You’re…”

Ugh, words are hard.

“…determined and aware. It’s a different mission than I’ve given myself, but I respect it.”

[not_the_last]

She wants to lean into its arm. Doesn't, yet.

"What would you say is your mission, then?"

[serialskiller]

"To provide security for my crew." A pause, and then it smiles. "Physical and emotional. I don't think I can be the one to resolve the larger-picture problems here. But I will be here for those I care about."

And if that's what it was made for? Well. This time it's not being shocked into submitting to that purpose. This time it's defining its crew and choosing to be there for them.

[not_the_last]

A long sigh. "Security," she repeats, like it's a longed-for blessing. "Yes."

And after another moment: "In the interests of that mission, then ... may I ask a favor of you?"